I’m Officially Crazy

I’m so proud of myself, I blogged today!  The kids are watching TV, lol, love that babysitter!

I have recently come to the conclusion that I am crazy.  Hubby agrees.  J has never been a good sleeper.  But lately, it has gotten a lot worse.  She just wanted to nurse like every hour.  This made for LONG nights.  I figured out that my milk had gone down a bit.  I figured she was hungry.  Also, Hubby and I went on a date recently and it took my mom over an hour to put J down for bed because she obviously can’t breastfeed her.  Hubby and I decided it was time to be done breastfeeding.  I felt good about the decision.  The first night I tried giving her a bottle she flipped out on me.  She was hitting me, hitting the bottle, screaming and crying.  I pumped my own milk into the bottles so that she would hopefully take to the bottle.  Eventually it worked.  It was terrible during the day too.  She would want to nurse and just didn’t understand why I wouldn’t.  How confusing for a baby.  This is the way she has eaten her whole life, and now she doesn’t get to.  I had tried to wean her, and just do a couple feedings, but that wasn’t working.  She wouldn’t take the bottle at all if I nursed her.  So I went cold turkey.

I started giving her just cow’s milk since Friday.  And a miracle happened.  Sunday night, she slept from 8:00-5:30.  This is a record.  Of course, she didn’t want to go back to sleep after that, but it was still nice.  And last night she slept 7:30-5:00.  And then I got her to go back to sleep for an hour.

So this is good, right?  It would be except that I’m an emotional wreck.  I feel like I’m out of my mind a little bit like I was when I first had her.  It must be hormones.  I’m so sad to be done breastfeeding.  It is so funny because I wasn’t even planning on nursing her.  I was so happy that I had an excuse not to breastfeed Mischief and Lady because they were adopted.  I always thought it just sounded gross and painful.  So I told people “Yeah, I plan on breastfeeding” while I was pregnant with J, but I didn’t really mean it.  I thought, well, I’ll try it, but I’ll probably just do formula.

Then J was born and I loved nursing her.  I loved the closeness.  I loved that even though I wasn’t carrying her in my body anymore, my body was still keeping her alive and helping her grow.  I was still all she needed to survive.  I really think it is hormones, lol!  I really don’t believe that I bonded more with J because of breastfeeding than I did with my other 2.  You bond the same whether you are nursing or feeding with a bottle.  It wasn’t about bonding with her, it was just something that made me feel close to her and meant that she was still a baby.

So yesterday I broke down and nursed her one last time in my bed.  It made me sad and happy.  The familiar feeling of her rubbing my tummy while she ate and being so close to eachother without her trying to squirm away from me to go run around.  Hubby caught me, lol!  He came in and said, “Are you nursing!?”  I said, “I just can’t help myself, I’m crazy!”  I think having one last time nursing her was good for me.  I feel a little better about it all now.  Maybe I just needed to get one last feeding out of my system.

I’m just sad thinking that she may be my last baby, and therefore, that was the last time I may ever nurse a baby for the rest of my life.  I have no idea what the future looks like as far as family planning.  Hubby and I would both like one more, but at the same time, we are exhausted.  So maybe in a few years.  But then I think, will I want another once J is potty trained and in preschool?  Will it feel like starting over?  And I want to go back to school eventually.  If I don’t have another baby than I can do that sooner.  But something just makes me think that there is one more.  We’ll see if I even can get pregnant again.  I would love to experience it all again.  I don’t think we would adopt again.  We can’t through LDSFS because we already have 3 kids.  We can’t afford a private adoption.  But who knows what the future holds.  I’ve said it many times before, and I’ll say it again: it doesn’t matter how your children come, it just matters that they get to your family.

So maybe I’ll get to nurse again, but if not, it was so wonderful with J.  I’m so happy I got to experience it for 11 1/2 months.  My baby is getting so big.  All of my babies are getting so big.  Tear.



2 thoughts on “I’m Officially Crazy

  1. You are not crazy at all! I had to stop nursing my little baby at 7 months and I have been a complete wreck ever since! I seriously cry at least once if not twice a day and every time I hold him or snuggles up to me my heart just hurts that I can’t just nurse him.

  2. Kiks this made me so emotional! And i still cannot wean because i don’t know if /when we’ll have another and i love it sooo much! But i’m still sooooooo tired! Scary that J has seizures — is there anything you can do to help it?! I’m sorry man thats so scary! But you are so pretty! Good job blogging you are amazing!

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